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Post by {NB}crAzyAce! on Aug 12, 2007 2:03:13 GMT -5
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible." Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle" The old woman fainted. That is hilarious!!! lol ;D Ace
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Post by madmouse67 on Aug 13, 2007 14:58:03 GMT -5
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers."
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too,we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Post by Wild-star.be on Aug 14, 2007 12:18:47 GMT -5
Grandpa is past 80 and goes for the yearly checkup to the general practitioner. Doctor: "And, how its going these days?" Grandpa: "Beautiful, doctor, i have found the love of my life, a good-looking young lady of 18, i am in the shape of my life ;D and we just become to know that she is pregnant!!! " Doctor: "Well, i want to tell you a happened story. A patient of me goes every year on bear hunt. He is however no longer the youngest and in its abstraction he leaves with its umbrella instead of its shotgun. On a given moment, he stands eye in eye with a bear, he aim with its umbrella and tries to shoot. You know what happened then? Grandpa: "No, tell!" Doctor: "The bear fell death for its nose down." Grandpa: "That cannot! Someone else must have shot !" Doctor: "Well, to come back on your case now...... . " ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by kai on Aug 14, 2007 23:22:02 GMT -5
Does this really happen when you ask?
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
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Post by macpotty on Aug 15, 2007 5:09:57 GMT -5
why did the lion get lost?
because jungle is massive
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Post by test on Aug 15, 2007 6:25:35 GMT -5
lions dont live in jungles they live in the savannah ;D
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Post by madmouse67 on Aug 16, 2007 18:15:36 GMT -5
Thats why he got lost then
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Post by airhead' on Aug 16, 2007 18:30:49 GMT -5
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Post by merecocross123 on Sept 1, 2007 21:43:17 GMT -5
Rofl!!!!!!! Funny jokes!!!!! I don't know any in English, I'm sorry.
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Post by merecocross123 on Sept 2, 2007 11:37:14 GMT -5
I finally found a few jokes:
Q:How do you call a sheep with no leg? A: A cloud (ok, I know it's not funny at all) Sam: Would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework. ----------------------- A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk." ----------------------- Ok, that's it for now.
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Post by Ludders on Sept 2, 2007 11:42:53 GMT -5
LOL! I might have to borrow that drrunk joke.
Q: Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? A: It was tied to the first monkey
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? A: Peer Pressure
Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? A: It was doing a monkey impression.
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Post by macpotty on Sept 3, 2007 19:08:17 GMT -5
Demetri Martin - Jokes With A Guitar *Not Suitable For Children*
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Post by madmouse67 on Sept 6, 2007 17:08:33 GMT -5
Love that dictionary bit ;D
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again" she replied On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
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Post by Manwë on Sept 9, 2007 17:17:30 GMT -5
Rofl!!!!!!! Funny jokes!!!!! I don't know any in English, I'm sorry. Oooh give me one in french, so I can like practice. I know this really bad one. But I'll give it a go. Two skeletons are in a pub. One asks the bartender, 2 beers and a mop. Cheers, Manwë.
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Post by Fooky on Sept 10, 2007 7:54:35 GMT -5
scientists have finally fond the fastest animal on earth: a cow pushed out a heli
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